I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
