I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
