I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
