Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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