There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
