Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
