Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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