I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
