Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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