He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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