I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
