I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
