My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
