I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
