Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
