yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
