the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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