The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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