she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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