Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
