woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
