Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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