Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
