I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
