i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
