Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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