rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
