just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
