Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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