my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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