Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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