we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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