I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
