I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
