We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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