Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
