watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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