A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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