My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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