I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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