Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
