Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
