I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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