How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
How does it feel to date your dad?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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