i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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