i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
