Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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