saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he thought i was a dude.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
