I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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