It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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